My husband of 2 1/2 years is in therapy with someone who specializes in male sexual issues. We went 2 years without sex. He can rarely obtain an erection and when he does he can't sustain it (even with pills). He says he just has no interest in it. When I recently told him I couldn't live like this anymore he got serious about going to therapy. The therapist says he just has severe performance anxiety and claims it's fixable. My husband has had very little experience sexually and is extremely small in size. I think this compounds his anxiety problems. My question is…does the therapy work? He's been in therapy about 6 months with no change. Maybe I'm being pessimistic but I just have my doubts this will fix anything. What do I do ? Thanks.
Therapy works. He needs to get to the core of his sexual repression. Yes, size matters and in his case, things are compounded by the fact that he's small.
Therapy is as much work and effort on his part. Homework ..contemplation. He needs to come to terms with his problems and work on them constantly…not just during one 45 minute therapy session each week.
ANd as you know intercourse is just one form of initmacy. There are several other ways in which an orgasm can be derived…oral, digital stimulation..sex toys. Relaxation and intimacy being of course, the two starting components. You HAVE to have both to make a successful relationship…physically, sexually and emotionally.
The mind is a powerful thing. It controls all. What the penis does and doesn't do.
He just needs to work harder. His issues might be deep seeded Therapy is only as good as what he puts into it and extracts from it.
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7 Responses for "Does therapy work if a man has serious performance anxiety?"
Nothing to lose if he keeps going to therapy.
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extremely small in size?… LoL.. you didn't test drive the car? hahaha.. just kidding… but maybe that's the reason… he's not a "big" man….(a man needs to be confident)… maybe male enhancement products or keep sucking it….
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Sex to him has become a chore at best, and at worst - frightening. Yes, he should stay in therapy. And if it's not contradictory to his treatment plan, I think you can ease his discomfort a bit. Make sex less about body parts and more about a deep connection and just becoming closer. Another key is to make it fun. Laugh together in bed. We avoid and even dread things we don't like. And if we're not good at something, we rather not do it than fail. Don't make sex about success or failure. Ask him if you can guide him to other ways of being close. Instruct and show him how to take care of you with his (and your) hands. Help him learn how to take care of you orally. I would think that after some time, with you as guide, that he may not need pills or much of any other help at all.
A note on size: Contrary to popular belief size really doesn't matter. Most (not all) of the nerve endings in the vagina are in the first 1 to 1 1/2 inches. Therefore, small can definitely still satisfy, so don't let that bother either one of you.
Enjoy one another, laugh, and love one another.
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Therapy may not help your husband my dear.
A recently completed study conducted over 14 years found, not surprisingly, that men’s sexual functioning is greatly impacted by their cardiovascular health. Co-author of the study, Dr. Eric B. Rimm of the Harvard University School of Public Health in Boston found that of the 22,086 healthy men ages 40-75 who had participated in the Health Professionals Follow-up Study (HPFS) 17.7 percent of the men in his survey had developed Erectile Dysfunction (ED). Each of the men surveyed had previously reported good or very good erectile function with no major chronic diseases prior to beginning the HPFS in 1986.
The research showed that the primary reasons for the development of ED in the men surveyed had to do with two preventable risk factors: smoking and obesity. Lana Holstein, M.D., is a nationally known expert on sexuality and vitality issues and currently Managing Director of Medical Programs at Miraval Spa (www.holsteinandtaylor.com), says, “Smoking and obesity are damaging to the small blood vessels everywhere in the body. Because erection is a vascular phenomenon, the loss of erectile capability may actually be the first sign of generalized vascular disease throughout the body. Suffice it to say that being overweight and a smoker is not good for your health or your sex life!”
And it’s not just middle-aged men who need to be aware of this connection between risk factors and their sexual health. As. Dr. Holstein points out, “It is also important for younger men to be aware that repeated erectile difficulties may be a sign of vascular disease. If your erection is failing, remember it may be the plumbing and you may need to have it checked out physically!”
Part 2:
Generalized anxiety disorder is poison for men/women's sexual pleasure. . . . There are several reasons why this is so. They are all related to the GAD — men/woman's inability to control her own thoughts and to focus his/her positive energy toward his/her sexual self for a sustained period of time."
How much anxiety is too much? If you suspect that your husband might suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, complete the following self-test. Print out this page and circle "yes" or "no" next to each question, then show the results to your health care professional.
How can I tell if it's GAD?
Yes or No? Are you troubled by:
Yes No
Excessive worry, occurring more days than not, for a least six months?
Yes No
Unreasonable worry about a number of events or activities, such as work or school and/or health?
Yes No
The inability to control the worry?
Are you bothered by a least three of the following?
Yes No
Restlessness, feeling keyed-up or on edge?
Yes No
Being easily tired?
Yes No
Problems concentrating?
Yes No
Irritability?
Yes No
Muscle tension?
Yes No
Trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, or restless and unsatisfying sleep?
Yes No
Does your anxiety interfere with your daily life?
Having more than one illness at the same time can make it difficult to diagnose and treat the different conditions. Illnesses that sometimes complicate anxiety disorders include depression and substance abuse. With this in mind, please take a minute to answer the following questions
Yes No
Have you experienced changes in sleeping or eating habits?
More days than not, do you feel:
Yes No
Sad or depressed?
Yes No
Disinterested in life?
Yes No
Worthless or guilty?
During the last year, has the use of alcohol or drugs:
Yes No
Resulted in your failure to fulfill responsibilities with work, school, or family?
Yes No
Placed you in a dangerous situation, such as driving a car under the influence?
Yes No
Gotten you arrested?
Yes No
Continued despite causing problems for you and/or your loved ones
Source: Anxiety Disorders Association of America.
Reference: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition. Washington, DC, American Psychiatric Association, 1994.
If you or someone you know would like more information on generalized anxiety disorders, please consult Anxiety Disorders Association of America (adaa.org) for more information and resources in your area.
Sincerely,
SuperDave
References :
Therapy works. He needs to get to the core of his sexual repression. Yes, size matters and in his case, things are compounded by the fact that he's small.
Therapy is as much work and effort on his part. Homework ..contemplation. He needs to come to terms with his problems and work on them constantly…not just during one 45 minute therapy session each week.
ANd as you know intercourse is just one form of initmacy. There are several other ways in which an orgasm can be derived…oral, digital stimulation..sex toys. Relaxation and intimacy being of course, the two starting components. You HAVE to have both to make a successful relationship…physically, sexually and emotionally.
The mind is a powerful thing. It controls all. What the penis does and doesn't do.
He just needs to work harder. His issues might be deep seeded Therapy is only as good as what he puts into it and extracts from it.
References :
Sadly, most of these situations don't get better and even if it might, it's still too small, right? He has lost his interest because of the shame and insecurity. If the pills aren't helping, then wow…it's just not going to happen is it. No change equals no change. You're not being pessimistic, just realistic. Maybe it is time to consider your options…tools & toys, or something outside the marriage, or just moving on. Whatever you do, it doesn't make you a bad person. You just need to decide on what is going to work best for you. Enjoy!
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My question is what the heck is the therapist doing?
I'd guess the erection difficulty is stress related.
I'd tackle the premature ejaculation first with stop/start or squeeze technique. He could use your help on that one.
If he's confident he can last, my guess is he'd have an easier time with the erections.
Have you too tried orally pleasing each other? If your husband knows you can both get off _regardless_ of what happens with his performance, that takes some pressure off.
Keep pushing for sexual activity, but try not to push for sex. Encourage him that although you'd like to move towards intercourse, you're very happy having other forms of sex with him.
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